I’m really for real feeling terrible right now. Serious sads, not lolsadz. so i had to rush to the blog and “dear diary” it out before I freakin cry like the little baby i feel like right now.
I even wrote the headline to this blog 2 days ago and then left it as a draft because I was just too depressed over it to even type it out. I came back after I had gotten over it a little but it comes right back up again in full force as soon as my mind goes there. to the bad place. if this is what all those poor children i kidnapped feel like for the rest of their lives, then i really feel terrible. the gaping hole in my chest is a black hole, sucking any positive emotion or feeling that might produce itself within me.
It’s also affecting my creative writing. but in a bad way. i could have come up with that black hole shit on a good day, so that doesnt count. its affecting it negatively cuz it’s making me say crap like “emotion or feeling” which is redundant since they’re the same god damn thing.
CHRIST I hate the world right now.
there is no world. only pain.
I was given a .com suggestion over a year ago that I didn’t think would be appropriate for the project I had in mind. then it started to grow on me and lately I thought maybe it would be good. then I thought it would be PERFECT. but I never registered it. I figured it was so obscure that it would be there whenever I wanted and I should just come pluck it when I was ready to develop and not before – cuz why waste, right? WRONG, idiot. All this time I’m planning in detail how to set this shit up and when I finally go to actually register the domain – guess what happens? I buy it and begin development as planned of course. NO, dumbass. of course that’s not what happened. don’t you know shit about foreshaddowing? I frigging gave it away with the setup. god. sometimes you’re so dense I dont know why I even talk to you.
No. thats not fair. I’m sorry I said that. not because its not true, but because I said it under transference. thats when you take your anger out on other people. this anger deserves to be directed towards myself. my stupid arrogant “oh, it’ll just BE there” self who sucks at life and also at milkshakes (not at making them. just, sometimes they’re thick, so they’re hard to get up through the straw). but this is no time for milkshakes. this is a time for crying. and self loathing. and punishment. to make sure i never do something so stupid ever again.
Its even worse that the 45 year old lady who bought the domain before I did is really nice and was very gracious about telling me to fuck-off in my inquiries on perhaps buying the domain. I bought literally every other extension of the domain to try and fill the void it left, but it didnt help. I dont want this .net, .info or .fuckingBIZ crap. I want a com. and I was too late.
HOW too-late?… thats the fugging punchline to this sick joke.. the domain was registered 3..god..damn..days. before i tried to register it. 3 days. if i just got off my ass and bought it last week when i was planning the development, id be home free. fuck. fuck my life. fuck the internet. fuck this lady who was all pleasant and sympathetic to my position when she refused my request to buy it from her. and fuck all of you. where were YOU during all this? suggesting that i not wait and register now? no. you were MIA. assholes.
whatever. I dont need you. i dont need anyone. the only thing i need is… is… that .com that i’ll never have…. *cries* GOD DAMMIT!!!!!111
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